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Message:

> > > An abusive parent is a terrible load to bear. Has Buddhism returned you to her? I realize this is very personal.
> > 
> > Complicated but we've shared enough through the years to give you a real answer.  =-)  
> > 
> > Matt: So the practice outlined above coupled with other related meditation practice helped me to unwind mental knots that I didn't know I had.  Forgiveness and compassion meditations were particularly powerful.  I didn't think that people could *fundamentally* change until my wife pointed out the following behaviors:
> > 
> > 1.)  I no longer dodge her phone calls 
> > 2.)  I rarely get into arguments with her anymore
> > 3.)  I even went so far at one point last year to intervene in a dispute she was having with a contractor
> > 
> > It's important to note that as far back as 2005 I gave my wife's phone number to my mom as the only point of contact knowing she would never call my wife unless there was an emergency.  
> > 
> > Part of the reason is that the practices helped me figure out that abuse whether its physical or mental are the product of cycles.  There was a Tonglen meditation I participated in around fall 2020 where I had a shocking discovery that people rarely are sociopaths and don't inflict suffering on other people out of malice... back to my mom while she was adamant that she didn't physically abuse me (as I later found out that she and the rest of her generation were abused by a raging alcoholic father) she did however mentally torment me.  To understand that, I knew at the age of three that I was the product of a rape (how many toddlers know what rape is?) and when I was a teenager she would say things like "you're just like your father," which probably isn't the best choice of words for the depressive yet arrogant person I was at the time.  
> > 
> > This has all allowed me to approach my mom as someone who is hurting themselves and while I won't lie and say that we're close like we were in 1989 it speaks volumes that I'm at this point.
> 
> Thank you again for these revelations about yourself. Who told you about the rape? I assume your mother as an early method of reducing your self-worth, as not the result of a loving family arrangement.